Words by Darralyn Buford

The men accused of killing rapper Chinx attended their first day in court on Tuesday, where they face multiple murder charges from May 2015 drive-by shooting that left Lionel “Chinx” Pickens dead. Chinx’ widow, Janelli Caceres-Pickens was in attendance at court and had to maintain control of emotions during hearing, being only feet away from the two men who are accused of murdering the rapper.

“It gets harder and harder every time, just to literally stare someone in the eyes and not be able to say anything,” Janelli Caceres-Pickens said in court, according to Fox 5. “It’s hard, it’s hard. A lot of emotions run through you.”

Both Quincy Homere, 32, and Jamar Hill, 26 have pleaded not guilty. Both men are due back in court in February, where they’ll either be offered a plea deal or stand trial.

NYPD officers arrested Homere, and Hill in December, charging them with second degree murder, first degree assault, and many other charges. According to Lt. Richard Rudolph, Commanding Officer of the Queens South Homicide Squad, Homere had a grudge against the Chinx that began in 2009 at Rikers Island jail complex. Homere, an aspiring rapper, reportedly fought Chinx several times while they were both serving time.

“We’re not exactly sure what the fight was about, but our perpetrator Quincy probably got the worst of it and he wanted to get back at Chinx,” Rudolph told XXL. “When he saw Chinx’s career starting to blow, he took it real personal and figured that his [own] career was going south… It just festered inside of him.”

Janelli Caceres-Pickens plans on attending every court hearing, no matter what toll it takes on her heart.

“It’s just a waiting process. It’s an emotional roller coaster—you come in, you have to see them, you have to face them,” Caceres-Pickens said. “The feelings just run through you all over again.”