These days there are no mysteries around the fact that, everyone and their mother wants to be a rapper; it’s such a cliché that it’s actually not even amusing to make fun of it anymore…but we decided to do it anyway
The problem with these rap dreams isn’t that people want to make music, and express themselves through art; that’s actually a good thing. The problem is that people are doing it for all the wrong reasons. They want fame, money, and glory. It has nothing to do with the music itself anymore. That’s exactly why anyone who wants to be a rapper decides to pick up the Rapper Starter Kit. “What is that?” you may ask…well you already know what it is.
1. A pair of jeans you wear below where your ass actually is.
2. Some sort of designer belt with an ugly monogram so you can stunt on people. (Most likely counterfeit.)
3. A pair of in style sunglasses (bonus points if you wear them when there’s no sun, it makes you look extra rapper-ish, especially wearing them in night clubs).
4. Some sort of hat, usually one with a brim with your city emblazoned on it.
5. Jewelry (usually fake) in the form of over-sized necklaces, earrings, bracelets, and gaudy watches. As a general rule of thumb, it should look like it cost as much as a decent sized starter home, if it were indeed real.
Once that’s done, you’ve essentially got your style down, but now you need to figure out what kind of music you make. No worries because there’s a Rapper Starter Kit for that, too. Especially for the people who decide they’re gangster rappers.
1. Learn the names of every gun.
2. Make sure you can talk about how they shoot, even if you’ve never handled a gun in your life.
3. Find a bunch of synonyms for marijuana, cocaine, and bundles of cash.
4. Remember to talk about the hood you’re from. If you’re not from the hood, find one to claim, and get yourself some homies from said hood.
5. Make a bunch of hand motions implying you represent some sort of gang.
There you have it; the disingenuous way to become a rap artist today. Think about how often you’ve seen that. Maybe you’re still in high school, and actually know a bunch of kids exactly like that. Well, it’s not cool! If you want to be an artist, then do it. But be an artist, not another cookie-cutter rapper who picked up the Rapper Starter Kit and hit up his homie who downloaded a free trial of Pro Tools. We need more people expressing themselves through music in this world. What we don’t need is a bunch of pretend thugs walking around talking about lives they don’t live, and if they do, then greatly exaggerating all those stories in a way that glorifies them. Go find out who you really are, experiment with it, put yourself out there, and find out what the universe has in store for you.
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