This week’s edition of Hood Health 101 addresses conflict resolution
“F%^& that Beef sh%$. That sh%$ is played out.” -Biggie
Biggie went on to talk about what beef is, explaining that beef is
when you have to go to sleep with two gats, when your mother isn’t
safe in her own neighborhood and when you have to roll with a clique
for protection. Who really wants to live like that? Some people
actually love the rush of being in danger, but most of us aren’t
interested in living on the edge. Most of us want to get along with
others and enjoy time with our families and loved ones. So, instead
of being so quick to throw hands, we have to learn how to deal with
conflict. Most of us weren’t taught how to resolve conflict, so our
first reaction to any disagreement is usually defense because we feel
attacked even if we aren’t. Sometimes, our perception is just skewed
and we go into defense mode because in that moment it’s easier for us
to bark than back down. We don’t like to humble our egos and have a
hard time reacting constructively, which would include looking for a
Here are some tips to consider when conflict is near…
– Expect Conflict – No matter what we do, somebody will have a problem
– Pick your battles – Is it worth arguing or fighting over? Is this
ego driven? What will be the result if you just chose not to engage?
– Check your Approach – Watch your tone when speaking to people. It
could get people riled up. If you approach someone with aggression,
insults or blame, they’ll probably react in defense-attack mode. It’s
not always what you say, it’s what?… How you say it. Consider your
environment. Are you around others who may amp it up and make it out
to be more of a conflict than it should be? If you know your man is
always ready to reach or your homegirl is always ready to tie her hair
back, just leave them in the car.
– QTIP – Not Q-Tip from Tribe. Q.T.I.P. like Quit Taking It Personal.
Everything shouldn’t be taken as a personal attack.
– Invitations to War – You don’t have to accept every invitation to an
argument that you’re invited to. Sometimes you have to be the bigger
person and just let that other person live in their own misery.
– Control – Remember that the only person you can control in a
situation is YOU. You cannot control the other person or people. You
cannot make them do what you think they should do. Control yourself.
Take that control and set the stage and tone of the situation. As a
matter of fact, you can always walk away.
– An Eye for an Eye? – If you hit someone, expect to be hit in return.
If you do not want to be hit, then don’t hit first. Once you get
physical, it is on. Don’t expect anyone to play by your rules of
expectation once the battle has begun. In other words, don’t be upset
if you slap someone and they in turn knock you the fu$% out. Think
before you hit. Oh, and women, you can get it too. Yeah, he may be
bigger than you, but that’s probably something you should seriously
consider before you lose control and haul off on him.
– Compromise – Put yourself in the other person’s position and see
things from their view. Look at yourself. Are you impossible to deal
with? Are you a bully? Looking at ourselves is not easy because it
forces us to see our faults. Be grown and just do it. Don’t be
afraid to compromise. Compromising does not mean that you have lost.
It means that you both get to walk away with something that you can
agree on. Don’t be an ass and try to walk away with everything. You
could easily end up with nothing by doing that. I’ve seen it. Don’t
be greedy. There can be more. Go make it. Don’t take it.
– Gossip – Avoid the gossip. Just go straight to the root. Too many
times, he said that she said and it ends up being something that
nobody said but the person who told you. Get the whole story from the
other party directly so that you are clear about what you are dealing
with because you may be creating beef over something stupid.
– The Issue – Focus on the issue. Tackle one thing at a time. Keep
things in perspective and relevant to the current situation. Now is
not the time to take out all of your frustration on this person. Save
that for the punching bags or the shooting range.
– SciHonor Devotion
SciHonor Devotion, CD, CPD, CCCE, CMA, CWSP is a contributing writer
to the Hood Health Handbook set. She is a Labor Doula, Postpartum
Doula, Childbirth Educator, Homebirth Midwife Assistant and Womb Sauna
Practitioner who serves women and girls in her community through
workshop, ceremony and rites of passage. She is also Co-Owner of
Queen’s Quisine: Vegetarian and Vegan Catering Company and can be
contacted at www.facebook.com/EarthDoulas / SciHonor17@gmail.com /