Iām a sody wacko. I love sodaāall of it from Mr Pibb at McDonald’s to monster-fueled fuggathons. The problem is all the sugar. Someone saw my soda shitposting on Bluesky yesterday and doxxed me. Then I received a strange package in the mail..
The banging on my door wasn’t the fedz. It was the postman. He tossed a mid-sized shit brown box on my porch. Thatās one way to interrupt my stompy indie folk playlistā¦
I retrieved the box and gleefully scratched open the package with my fingernails. Inside is a blue-aqua colored soda can labeled āZippā and a most curious letter.
I have balls of steel, so this silly little prank hardly shook me (Iām 34 M btw). I have this can sitting next to me and Iām going to drink it now while writing this article.
(Iāll be noting my short sips with *Sip* and long sips with *Sipp*)
Ok. Here I go. *cracks tab*, *sip* *smacks lips* Damn ok so like the first thing I’m tasting is some sort of cherryish green and I guess that’s the menthol. It almost tastes like a delicious leaf. It’s refreshing and unalloyed. Itās making my mouth feel like the Osmosis Jones spinoff where Jones retires early cause no one eats monkey shit.
It’s like my taste buds are being individually massaged by tiny pale angel hands [18+], and the aftertaste like their tears of holy joy trickling down into and absorbing MY SOUL.
*Sippp*
Holy shit it tastes so f***ing good mmmmmm faq. WTF. *Sipp* *Sipp* DAMN.
This shit taste like Steve Jobs brain.. This shit be tasting like iOS 6.. Shit be tasting skeuomorphic… Shit be tasting like Mac OS Snow Leopoard.. THIS SHIT BE TASTING LIKE THE ART DEPARTMENT FOR EA DURING SIMS 3’S DEVELOPMENT. SHIT FLAVORED LIKE 009 SOUNDSYSTEM.
*Sipp* *Sipp* *GULP*
I believe in God now. This is what it feels like to be gay (i.e. šāŗļøš). Uninstalling Reddit. OnlyFans subscriptions canceled.
Shit. I forgot I got diabetes. I had two heart attacks in my sleep last year. I was born with it doe. YO CHILL. I got heart problems (and they not from crankinā & stankinā up my secret labs chairā¦)
DOES ZIPP HAVE CAFFEINE IN IT??? Checking š«£ YA it DOES š³ BUT ONLY 25 MGS š
Ok ok.
*Sipp*
I feel great. Focused. Clear. Iām gonna start a fuckin podcast instead of writing for The Source. I donāt hate my mom no more (RIP). *Sipp*
LISTEN TO ME THIS SHIT IS BETTER THAN COKE. BUSSIN UP SAM SMITH STYLE HAHA. It tastes like a Frutiger Nettspend type beat.
Ngl, drinking this is what I thought using jerkmate was supposed to be like (but it wasnāt). *Sipp* *Sipp* *Sipp* I CANāT STOP SIPPING. NO KIZZY WOW!
I think I know what every rapper who got hooked on sizzurp went through. The feeling I have: an obese Americanās brain flipping sparks while sipping Icee from a big gulp (except healthier). Itās giving???
The joy Iām feeling, the bliss, itās how I remember feeling when I was young, didnāt care about sexāstill consider myself a virgin thoāand technology hadnāt fugged up my brain. Iām quitting weed for Zipp.
Iām literally bouncing up and down on the floor. I feel like I could jump through my apartment ceiling. Iām on the second floor btw.
My downstairs neighbor was PISSED. I probably interrupted her Rollercoaster Tycoon YouTube essay ASMR that bitch was watching. I go downstairs, to talk about Zipp, pound that bitch’s door in, she opens it (clearly very shy of my prowess but it’s okay because my funk musk puts her back at ease). I notice behind her, standing on a counter at the end of a hallway is an Arizona Ginseng Tea jug. At first I’m like, woah that’s so vaporwave coded maybe she used to listen to Yung Lean when he dropped Unknown Death.. Then I realise she started drinking it from a TikTok trend, so I beat the shit out of her fat ass abusive ex bf that been mooching off her couchš¤· I proceeded to green and redpill her by exposing how much deeper the Soda rabbit hole goes. She hadnāt noticed before.
*Sipp*
Update: We drank all the Zipp š but we cool now š We watching Peeweepurpdrank video haha š
Does anyone know how to get more Zipp??? I need more of this drink. Me and my new wife (former downstairs neighbor who I thought was a total bitch before *minus one roomate*) both want more Zipp, and weāre getting married now and starting a family.
Ngl, the design on the can got me interested. It was unique. I’ve never seen anything like it. But what shocks me the most is that the taste almost matches the aesthetic, if that makes sense.
Whoever sent me this can of Zipp knew that I was a piece of angry white shit. But this drink changed my life. The best part is that the cravings are certainly there, but they’re not intense like, all the other energy drinks. When I drink other sodas, I FEEL LIKE THEYāRE CHEMICALLING ME.
Call it crazy, but people have been spotting UFOs around the area recently. They called Jesus Christ crazy (then aired his ass out onna cross SMH). Iām not afraid to die anymore. Why? CAUSE I GOT TO TASTE ZIPP, and so help me GOD, I WILL DO IT AGAIN!
To whoever is behind the mysterious Zipp drink websiteā¦ PLEASE GIVE US MORE!!!!
[Cliffnote: So clearly, what I was trying to do was be very meta-textual in this article by delivering a play-by-play experience of my auspicious encounter. However, iād like to say that my feelings are authentic. I write unapologetically, not getting off to the past clacks of my ROCCAT VULCAN. Hopefully GenZ gets what Iām doing here with this review. Tried to make it appealing to them! ]
[Cliffnote 2: Update: I was sitting under a bleached tarp at a dirt-stained table as flies buzzed around my head smack dab in the middle of Delhi. My stomach was reeling like a million knives were taking a jiu-jitsu class inside it. Luckily, Iād saved a few drops of Zipp in a plastic baggy that I smuggled past customs. I squeezed the last drops of Zipp into my mouth and noticed that the nausea began to fade. As that warm region locked Indian wind hit my face I had an aha moment, and realized that Zipp, had, in fact, indeed, helped calm my angy belwyš Real.]